I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I love having hate sex.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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