My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
