There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
