my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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