Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
