I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning