if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."