I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
