Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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