I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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