We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I want a musical about memes.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
