my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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