I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
