Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
