Will you blow on my dice?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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