Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
