dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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