i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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