I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I need help removing her.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Bring me that man meat
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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