as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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