i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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