would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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