Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
