i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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