return my video game
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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