The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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