omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
