I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
