I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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