I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Blood and glitter go together right?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
