just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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