my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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