I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
