I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
