Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
