i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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