In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
