i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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