cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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