i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
