his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
