Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
