If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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