Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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