Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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