Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
