I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
