I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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