I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
