I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
