I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
