Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
