Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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