First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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