bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
