I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm just crazy horny about you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
